It has been twelve years since we lost our son Bryan. If I stop and think about that Saturday morning phone call, I can still feel the gut punch from the news, “Your son went into cardiac arrest and could not be resuscitated.”  What? Did we hear that correctly? How can this thirty-seven-year-old man, husband, son, brother, and soon-to-be father be gone?

Gaylon and I had served God and been in ministry for more than forty years at that point in our lives. We had walked with God, and God had walked with us. Though that was the case, the next several months were dark and hard. Twelve years later we still miss our son, but the difficult days of heavy grief are fewer and far between. Notice, I did not say we never experience grief, but that the very heavy days are fewer and far between.

This past weekend, Gaylon and I attended the tenth annual Bryan Benton Memorial Golf Tournament in Hickory, North Carolina. I saw many of the young men and women that Bryan had gone to college with, played football with, been friends with. Many had been a part of Bryan’s wedding, and on the day of the tournament, there they stood with their own spouses and children. They showed up to honor a friend and colleague.

I stood there as opening remarks were given, and to my surprise, tears began to flow. Some of my tears were certainly from recalling my son and his life, but many were thanksgiving to God for life after deep grief. As I looked at Bryan’s son Tucker and his mother Sarah, I saw their laughter and joy. I rejoiced with them that their lives had been renewed and filled with happiness. I saw Bryan’s friends, who loved him deeply, and they had joyous lives.

We had all learned to live with grief but not die in grief.

Grief is a challenging thing, and there is no handbook or magical formula to say how long one will feel its heaviness. Grief is the painful, complex process of dealing with the losses we encounter. Maybe you have received devastating news, an unexpected diagnosis, or the dreaded phone call of a loved one that has died. It is easy to feel as if you will never breathe again.

Twelve years later, may I offer a little advice to help us with the journey of grief? This is not perfect advice, and it is not time-stamped as to how long these stages take. I do know that God wants to help us walk all the way through the valley of the shadow of death.

1. Feel what you feel. Even if you are a strong believer or Christian leader, grief is grief, and you do not have to pretend the sorrow is not there.
2. Cry as much as you wish. It is okay to cry and would be shocking if you did not cry in the midst of grief.
3. Let God bring you comfort. He will carry you – He will! Friends try their best to say or do the right thing, and sometimes that is helpful and other times it is not. As hard as it might be to do, sit down and ask the Holy Spirit to come and strengthen your hurting heart. I did this during the day and sometimes in the middle of the night. I cannot explain it, but there were times God showed up in the middle of those times and brought comfort. Cry out to Him and tell Him your heart is worn out and you feel like you cannot take another step.
4. When the time is right, start being around others. Don’t let yourself become isolated forever. This might feel difficult at first. Start with close friends going on a lunch date or meeting for coffee.
5. Accept the new normal. I do not have to like my new normal, but I have to come to terms with the fact that my family has a new normal. Part of my normal includes realizing that Bryan’s death is a marker in my journey of life. I might say, “That happened before Bryan died, or after Bryan died, we did so and so.”  During football season, we will sometimes say, “Bryan would have been so excited about this.”
6. Give yourself the freedom to laugh again and live again. Bryan died on February 11. For the next several months, when the eleventh of the month came, I would stop and say it is the eleventh of the month. Then one month, it was the fourteenth of the month, and I realized that I did not remember the eleventh of that month. At first, I felt guilt, then I realized that God was helping me to learn to live again. Life was emerging again.
7. Encourage others who are facing grief. (This part does not come quickly. It might take time, and that is okay.)  I do not have the right words for someone’s grief, but I can encourage them that I am praying for them and thinking of them. I occasionally contact those who are going through loss. I just want them to know that I am thinking of them and praying for them.

If you are grieving, and feel stuck, stop now, and pour out your heart to God. Ask Him for strength to take one step forward, and then take it. Then, take the next and the next and the next. Keep walking. God does give supernatural strength to press on. There is life after grief.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18; “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm73:26.