After a scarring childhood and painful upbringing, I gave my life to Jesus Christ and set out to attend a Christian college.  I certainly worked on obeying the “rules” of Christianity, and I was determined to be a strong Christian who walked with God.  I was saved and on my way to fulfilling my destiny.  I was definitely saved by the grace of God, busy for God, but not transformed by God!

Throughout life, God is transforming us to be increasingly like Jesus—His Spirit residing within helps us to combat sin and teaches us how to live.  An event one day revealed to me that I was saved but not transformed.  I came face-to-face with this truth through a friend.

Gaylon and I spent thirty-three years in pastoral ministry.  While serving at one of our churches, I became good friends  with “Alice” who was Gaylon’s secretary.  Alice was fun, encouraging, and very helpful.

Since I was very involved in the ministry of the church,  I often came into the office.  Alice never knew which Barbara would show up.  My mood swings were all too common, to others, but not to me.  All I saw was an “on-the-ball” woman doing the work of the Kingdom!  Oh, I did accomplish a lot of things, but I did not leave the sweet aroma of Christ in the process.  I was blind to it.

One day I was apparently “acting out” and Alice said, “Barbara, I am sorry for all you went through as a child or that others have hurt you, but do us all a favor and get over it.  You are destroying your ability to be effective.”

How dare she!  I left and went home.

I seethed for a good bit of the day.  “Doesn’t anyone appreciate all the hard work I do?  I can’t help the way I am sometimes, after all, look at all I have been through.”  In my mind, I had one of the greatest pity parties of all times, black balloons and all!

Later, I sat down to pray, and I reported Alice to God, telling Him all she had said to me.  Amidst all my feelings of self-pity, God broke through, and spoke into my soul.  I sensed Him saying, “She is right.”   No way, God!  Let me make sure You understand the story.  Let me repeat it for you.  Again, I sensed God say, “She is right.”

As I sat before the Lord that day, He began to show me that I desperately needed transformation.  I was saved but walking in the fruit of the flesh instead of the fruit of the Spirit.  I could no longer excuse myself when I was acting in a way that did not represent the goodness of God.

I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, but the fruit of the Spirit was not very evident in my life.  I decided that day, that I would yield to God, and allow the fruit of the Spirit to be developed in my life.

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” – Galatians 5:22-23

The different characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit focus on how we respond to God, and how we respond to those around us.  I needed a lot of help with the latter.  The time for excuses was over.  It is a life-long journey to overcome self!  Though the process has seemed long at times, God has brought much-needed change to my life.  It is through submission to God, that God empowers me to be effective in the arena of life.

Today, there are so many excuses for misbehavior.  I can’t help my adultery, my temper outbursts, my spiritual laziness, my attitude, my ___________. Not true, child of God!  We have been made more than conquerors through Christ Jesus. I might have moods or trials, but they don’t have to dictate my actions. I want to honor God with my actions.  How about you?

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 2 Peter 1:6-8

Mother’s Day is here again, and it can have so many emotions.

First and foremost, there is the thanksgiving for our mothers. My mom had such a hard life, but she put up with a lot of stuff so her eight kids would have a roof over their heads. From her I learned what sacrificial love is. Though I did not understand it at the time, I totally get it now. She taught me so many things. After all she taught me to use a big-girl potty, and that is an invaluable tool in my life. She has been gone for almost thirty-seven years now, and how I wish I could hold her hand and kiss her sweet face.

There is the joy of being a mother. I feel so blessed to be the mother of Michael, Bryan and Stephen. I was about as imperfect a mother as could be found when my boys were young. I was still in the healing process of my own life. I wish I had known then what I know now about being a healed, whole person. It is worth it to you, and your family, to get as whole as possible, so you can enjoy the journey. Also, I was such a perfectionist, wanting everything perfectly clean. Moms, you don’t have to let it be a pig sty, but don’t worry about every little thing, and instead have fun with your children.

For some, Mother’s Day is as painful as it is joyful. Perhaps the relationship with their mother was never good. For some, this is the first year without Mother. Some are dealing with children who have gone down a dark path, and have alienated themselves from the family.  Others are dealing with barrenness, longing to have a child of their own to hold in their arms. Some have the pain of miscarriage. I know that pain all too well and can still remember how that felt. I am personally praying with young women who long to have a child. How I wish I could take away their sorrow!

Some mothers, like me, have mixed emotions. I have so much joy with my sons, their wives and those precious grandchildren. Yet,  some days  I still feel warm tears flow down my face wishing my son Bryan could call.  I know he is in heaven, and I will see him again, but I wish I could see him now. I recently had a conversation with a woman, who had lost a son. I did not know her, but we both stood and cried talking about our sons. We rejoiced over what we do have, but miss our sons very much.  On our prayer list, Gaylon and I currently have seven different families who have lost children.  Many will have their first Mother’s Day without that child.

In scripture, Hannah is always the mother to whom I am drawn. Her story is recorded in 1 Samuel chapter 1. Hannah is an example of a woman of faith. She endures years of silent suffering because of her barrenness and the cruel harassment at the hand of her rival, Penninah. She goes to the place of worship, knowing how painful it is. She faithfully worships, pouring out her tears and petitions. And when God answers her prayers, she not only keeps her promise, she explodes with praise.

As a woman, Hannah knew sorrow for many years, strife in her home, barrenness and pain. She never gave up on God. She poured her heart out year and year, and God miraculously turned her situation around, BUT only after years of getting up every day to the same set of circumstances. Hannah was a woman of faith, and it was a faith that gave her the strength to face the joys and sorrows of life.

As a woman, wherever you find yourself this Mother’s Day, don’t give up on God. I can promise you, God will NEVER give up on you! He hears the cries of your heart. He sees every tear that falls. He knows the depth of pain you feel. Be a woman of faith, for faith will see you through. He understands your sorrow and your pain and He’ll meet you right where you are.

While growing up I was poor, dysfunctional and very chubby! This awareness did not come to me until I entered first grade.  Even at age six, it did not take long to figure out others did not want to be around me so much.   It did not take long to figure out that I did not have clothes and shoes as good as the majority of kids in my school.  I learned first-hand the pain of feeling less than because I was overweight.   Often, I was the subject of many jokes especially from guys.

I was embarrassed at who I was and wanted to be anyone but me.   That thought process followed me around into high school, college and even into my married life and pastoral ministry.   I spent a good bit of time and energy trying to hide all my flaws and inadequacies, and over time it wore me out!   It stole any joy that I tried to have.  It ripped away all confidence that God actually wanted to use me.  I would compare myself to other pastors’ wives, speakers and leaders, and always came up short.  For years I never did anything in the church and hated going to social gatherings.  In my mind I was neither gifted nor a sought-after friend.

One day the light bulb came on for me.  If I was going to overcome this negative disposition, I had to believe what God said about me.  What did His Word declare about my life?  The following verses are just a few that revealed how God felt about me.

• I knew you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart for me before you were born.  Jeremiah 1:5
• I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14
• For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. – Ephesians 2:10
• God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus.  Ephesians 2:6

As I began to repeat and proclaim those verses, I realized that God did not ask me to be anyone but me transformed by His Spirit.  BUT, that must be accepted by faith.  (But the word preached did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in them that heard it. Hebrews 4:2)   I must choose to believe that God is, and that He made me and that He truly accepts me.   That can only be done through faith.  If you try to reason it out, you will not be able to accept it.  Faith must be mixed with the Word!  That which we receive from God is received by faith in God and His Word.

My heart is pained as I see how many people, women in particular, are losing the image of who they are in Christ.  As we walk down the toy aisle and see the skinny dolls, or as we stand in line at the checkout and see the airbrushed picture of a “star”, it is easy to feel inferior.  Or, if we see that gifted woman, who seems to have it together at home, church and work, it is so easy to sink emotionally when we look at ourselves.

As Christian women we answer to a higher calling than trivial pictures on a magazine. We look to the Lord for our worth, and our acceptance.  Here’s the great news: God loves us. He adores us! He created us to be wonderful, different, and nothing like the world’s call to be skinny and perfect.   God calls us to be His sons and daughters. The Almighty God loves us – loves you – just the way you are. And you are beautiful to Him!

So today, why not stop and thank God for you!  I thank God for me!

“Hello, God. It’s me again.  You know, your servant Barbara Benton.  I’m checking in again because it seems like you are not responding.”

Have you ever felt this way?  I have!  Recently, I had some heavy things on my mind and in my heart.  My “hot line” to God seemed barely lukewarm.  Yep, here I am, national speaker, counselor to many, and God seems silent.  I felt like a third sister to Lazarus.  Barbara, Mary and Martha.  Lord, where are you!

This morning my precious seven-year-old grandson Joseph is with me.  Joseph is on the autism spectrum, so there are things he doesn’t quite understand yet.  But, there is one thing Joseph gets very well – singing the praises of God.

My mind was on the heavy things of life, and silently I was crying out to God.  Suddenly Joseph began to sing aloud the words of a song.  I wasn’t familiar with the song, so I listened carefully and wrote down the words, so I could find the song.    The name of the song is Your Love Never Fails.

And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning

Joseph sang the song over and over and over.  He walked and sang.  He sat and sang.  He sang!  The words began to penetrate my heart.   God was singing to me through the words of a child, who doesn’t always understand things, but who does understand the joy of praise.

When God says that his ways are not our ways, he’s not kidding! (Isaiah 55:8)  I love the encounters with God where he breaks into my life with great power, fixes my situation and waters my garden of faith.  I love that experience!  Don’t you?

There are times we will also experience the season when life presses in on us, or when life leaves us shattered and darkness descends.  We cry out to the God who can change anything, the God who loves us, and yet he seems silent, even absent.

As I pondered the song and the seeming silence of God, he seemed to break through and say, “Just wait. I’m not finished with the conversation.”  Are oceans still raging around me?  Indeed, they are!  While God might seem silent in our pain, joy comes in the morning.   God might be silent, but he is not still!

“It is good that a man or woman should hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.” – Lamentations 3:26

Madison Benton will be fifteen years old in July.  Her birth brought much joy and ushered in a great era for us.  Being grandparents is something we enjoy beyond description.

After Madison was born, we bought a high chair to use during her visits.  Because Madison matured and grew, the chair eventually found its way to the attic.  It was almost eight years before other grandchildren began to arrive, so the chair eventually moved from the attic back to the kitchen.  Our young, immature grandchildren required a high chair.

It was funny to watch those boys and girls as they sat in the high chair.  In actuality, it was more like an “I” chair.  While in the “I” chair, those babies could be very demanding.  I remember feeding them, and all was well provided I gave them what they wanted.  I have watched them sit in the “I” the chair crying, mouth wide open, demanding food immediately!  If the child liked what I offered, all was pleasant.  If  I offered something the children did not like, they would try to swat it away.  My precious grandchildren demanded what they wanted, when they wanted it – and if they did not have their way, they let everyone know it.    Their behavior was understandable because they were just babies; however, the day had to come, and did come,  when the grandchildren matured beyond the “I” chair.

The most dangerous spiritual chair a person can sit in is the “I” chair.  It is the chair that negates the will and Word of God.  It is the chair that says I will serve and obey God when I choose.  It will be on my terms.  If I don’t like part of His Word, I’ll swat it away.  If God or the Church crosses me, I will scream unless I get my way.  I have a right to do whatever!  Yet, nothing could be farther from the truth of the Gospel.

There must come a point that we outgrow the “I” chair.  We are not our own. We were bought with a price. We belong to Jesus. We are His purchased possession.  When a person yields to the lordship of Jesus Christ, he or she acknowledges His ownership and gives up personal rights.

It’s time to put the “I” chair in the attic. 

^“And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” – Mark 8:34

I lost a child.  Now what?

When our son Bryan died, I thought I’d never feel joy again. At times, I thought I’d never sleep again, or get beyond the intense darkness and pain. We are about to come up on seven years, and there is never a day that I don’t think about him. We still miss Bryan so much.

Just last night, Gaylon caught a glimpse of a picture of Bryan and began to weep. There are moments like that. Notice I said moments, and sometimes there are days like that. But I can testify that God has given us the strength to walk through this, and we are continuing to walk through this.

Two things have helped us to have many days and moments of joy.

First, we never stopped walking with God, and God never stopped walking with us. There were many days when I could not even pray.  All I could do was weep.  There were days that my prayer was nothing more than, “God, please help me.”  God understood that.   God wasn’t up on His throne mad at me because I wasn’t dancing in praise.  I understood the God that I served, the God who wrote, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).

Second, my husband and I made a pact that we would not let this drive a wedge between us.  We could feel the pain and weep any time we had a “Bryan” moment or a “Bryan” day.  Seven years later, we still allow that.   Perhaps you don’t have a spouse or someone with whom you can share those moments.  If needed, seek a friend and ask if you can share those moments when they come.

If you know someone who has lost a child, can you volunteer to be that person that shares their grief?  Grief is a heavy thing, especially the first months and years.   Just check on the person occasionally and ask, “How are you?”  Pray for them regularly and let them know from time-to-time that you are praying for them.

Don’t be afraid to mention the child’s name.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself and many with whom I have spoken.  I am not afraid for someone to mention Bryan.  I’m afraid that he will never be mentioned.  His name is Daniel Bryan Benton, our second born son, who was full of laughter and charm.

Something very important I learned was not to get hung up on, “Why?”   It’s normal to ask, “Why?”  God can handle you asking Him “why”, so ask Him.  But, at some point, one will realize that “why” might not get answered.  Even if it was answered, it wouldn’t lessen the grief.

I lost a child, now what?  Now, I will trust the God I serve.  Now, I will love that which remains for me to love while on earth.  Now, I will still grieve the loss of my child.  Now, I will wait with anticipation until the day I see Mr. Daniel Bryan Benton again.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 2:14

There was a time when I would go around and around the parking lot of a grocery store, just so I could park as close to the door as possible.  What good charismatic hasn’t claimed the best parking space “in the Name of Jesus!” Then, I would get a cart full of groceries, unload them into my car, and leave the cart wherever I could squeeze it.

Over time, stores installed cart return areas.  I am one of the rare people who pushes my cart to the return stall. By doing that, it doesn’t hit someone’s vehicle, doesn’t block a parking spot and makes it much easier for employees to gather the carts.  As a result, I rarely park close to the store.  Why?  The cart returns are never close to the store. I want to be in the best place to return the cart.  I am more concerned about the end of my journey than the beginning of the journey.

There is a man in scripture by the name of Esau.  His story is found in Genesis 25.  Esau is a man who shows us that spiritual blessings can be lost by living for the moment, and he did it all for bowl of stew!

Life is full of choices.  Every one of us will be offered the opportunity to live for the moment or to live for eternity.  It may be an occasion to cheat on your spouse, make a lot of money in a wicked way, indulge fleshly desires, receive a promotion in an illegitimate way, to become popular in an ungodly manner, or compromise the truth of scripture,  etc.

Esau made the foolish decision to take the immediate “payoff” of what he could see, touch, taste, and smell over much greater blessings in the future. Many people still do that today. Their whole lives are focused on what they can get now, and they end up missing the blessings of tomorrow.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11

God does indeed have wonderful plans for His children, but be careful about parking in a place because it feels good right now.  How will it feel at the end of the journey?  I don’t want to look back in regret of what could have been, should have been or would have been, if only I had made decisions based on the will of God, instead of a bowl of stew or an easy parking place.

Spiritual blessings can be lost by living for the moment.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  Matthew 6:33

Can faith and fear live together in the Christian?  Yes, yes and yes.  Faith and fear are not mutually exclusive.  Fear is one of the enemy’s most popular weapons that he uses against us. Worry, anxiety, fear can overwhelm us with a thick shadow of darkness, controlling our every move and decision.

I often hear Christians rebuked when they struggle with fear and faith.  Perhaps a challenging circumstance has entered life, a circumstance that could be long-term or with an unclear ending.  Since the person is a believer, they pray and ask God’s intervention, and have faith that He will do just that.  Yet, all through the day, those circumstances scream, “You will not come out of this!  It’s over! This is going to end badly for you! There is no hope it will turn around.”  Fear has raised its head.

That believer has both faith and fear operational.

My  home is designed with a split bedroom plan.  The master bedroom is on one end of the house, and the two guest rooms are on the other end.   Between those two guest rooms is a hallway, so one can walk to either room, and one can easily walk back and forth between the two rooms.

Faith and fear are like those two bedrooms, with a hallway in between.   Let’s name one of the rooms fear and one of the rooms faith.   There are times I find myself in the fear room, and there are times I find myself in the faith room.  The question is, “Where will I abide?”

Many years ago, the doctor informed me that it was more likely than not that I had ovarian cancer, and it had spread to nearby lymph nodes.  To say we were shocked would be an understatement.   Surgery would be done two weeks later, and an oncologist would be present to see how many organs were affected.  That was a loooooong two weeks!

Many times during that two weeks, my emotions would draw me into the fear room.  It was a dark room.   As a believer, I had to make a choice to walk the hallway to the room of faith.  Where would my residency be?  Could I trust God that He had my life in His hands?

It became an epic battle to take my mind and body out of the room of fear, enter the hallway and walk over to faith.  I did that more times than I can count.  It was a constant battle of the mind.  It was not until the morning of the surgery that I felt a perfect faith that God was in control of the situation.  Notice I did not say that God told me how it would turn out, but that God reassured me that I was in His hands.

Every believer must exercise hallway faith.  All of us will have situations where the ending is uncertain.  Fear will invite you to take up residence in its room.  Over and over, you will be faced with the choice of entering the hallway to walk in faith.   Do it!  No matter how many times fear beckons you to come and dwell in its room, enter the hallway!  There is peace in the hallway!  There is faith in the hallway!  There is God’s will in the situation once we choose to enter the hallway and trust God!

God does not lose faith in you even when you are fearful.  Peter left his fishing boat to follow Jesus.  Things got tough as the crucifixion neared.   Peter had enough faith to leave his boat to follow Jesus,  but operated in total fear when confronted about being a disciple.  Because of fear, Peter denied our Lord.  God did not give up on Peter.  Later in the book of Acts, that same man who had been fearful, stood and preached a powerful message, resulting in 3000 salvations.   Transformation happens when we enter the hallway of faith.  We conquer fear!

What are you facing today that seems overwhelming?  Fight for faith.   Choosing not to allow fear and anxiety control us is not always easy, and it often comes down to a choice.  Enter the hallway today!  God will meet you in the hallway, and give you the strength to walk into the room of faith.   You are more than a conqueror!

“What time I am afraid, I will trust in You. “  Psalm 56:3

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. At least that is what the song says! Is it? Yes, it is in many ways. All the laughter, the food, the candlelight, the carols!  Decorating the tree, or these days – trees!  Wrapping the gifts and listening to the giggles and excitement as children open them.

For many, this year is difficult. I am praying with and for several people who have lost significant loved ones this year. My heart aches for them, and my tears stream for them. Grieving can be the most difficult time for people who are trying to balance the feelings of pain and loss, while going forward with everyday life.  I found this to be true when we lost our son Bryan.

Sometimes we find ourselves mourning on Christmas morning. If you are in grief, especially fresh grief, it’s okay not to feel that it is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s doesn’t make you a grinch, it makes you a person in pain.

God is hugging you today. He understands where you are, and He cares about every tear. Jesus Christ left the splendor of heaven, and was born as a babe into a world that was dark and broken. He became Immanuel – God with us. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER WILL JESUS LEAVE US! He will be with us in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health, in success and failure, in poverty and prosperity, in joy and sorrow.

He will be with you in Christmas mourning  and on Christmas morning.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” –  Psalms 34:18