I lost a child.  Now what?

When our son Bryan died, I thought I’d never feel joy again. At times, I thought I’d never sleep again, or get beyond the intense darkness and pain. We are about to come up on seven years, and there is never a day that I don’t think about him. We still miss Bryan so much.

Just last night, Gaylon caught a glimpse of a picture of Bryan and began to weep. There are moments like that. Notice I said moments, and sometimes there are days like that. But I can testify that God has given us the strength to walk through this, and we are continuing to walk through this.

Two things have helped us to have many days and moments of joy.

First, we never stopped walking with God, and God never stopped walking with us. There were many days when I could not even pray.  All I could do was weep.  There were days that my prayer was nothing more than, “God, please help me.”  God understood that.   God wasn’t up on His throne mad at me because I wasn’t dancing in praise.  I understood the God that I served, the God who wrote, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).

Second, my husband and I made a pact that we would not let this drive a wedge between us.  We could feel the pain and weep any time we had a “Bryan” moment or a “Bryan” day.  Seven years later, we still allow that.   Perhaps you don’t have a spouse or someone with whom you can share those moments.  If needed, seek a friend and ask if you can share those moments when they come.

If you know someone who has lost a child, can you volunteer to be that person that shares their grief?  Grief is a heavy thing, especially the first months and years.   Just check on the person occasionally and ask, “How are you?”  Pray for them regularly and let them know from time-to-time that you are praying for them.

Don’t be afraid to mention the child’s name.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself and many with whom I have spoken.  I am not afraid for someone to mention Bryan.  I’m afraid that he will never be mentioned.  His name is Daniel Bryan Benton, our second born son, who was full of laughter and charm.

Something very important I learned was not to get hung up on, “Why?”   It’s normal to ask, “Why?”  God can handle you asking Him “why”, so ask Him.  But, at some point, one will realize that “why” might not get answered.  Even if it was answered, it wouldn’t lessen the grief.

I lost a child, now what?  Now, I will trust the God I serve.  Now, I will love that which remains for me to love while on earth.  Now, I will still grieve the loss of my child.  Now, I will wait with anticipation until the day I see Mr. Daniel Bryan Benton again.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 2:14

There was a time when I would go around and around the parking lot of a grocery store, just so I could park as close to the door as possible.  What good charismatic hasn’t claimed the best parking space “in the Name of Jesus!” Then, I would get a cart full of groceries, unload them into my car, and leave the cart wherever I could squeeze it.

Over time, stores installed cart return areas.  I am one of the rare people who pushes my cart to the return stall. By doing that, it doesn’t hit someone’s vehicle, doesn’t block a parking spot and makes it much easier for employees to gather the carts.  As a result, I rarely park close to the store.  Why?  The cart returns are never close to the store. I want to be in the best place to return the cart.  I am more concerned about the end of my journey than the beginning of the journey.

There is a man in scripture by the name of Esau.  His story is found in Genesis 25.  Esau is a man who shows us that spiritual blessings can be lost by living for the moment, and he did it all for bowl of stew!

Life is full of choices.  Every one of us will be offered the opportunity to live for the moment or to live for eternity.  It may be an occasion to cheat on your spouse, make a lot of money in a wicked way, indulge fleshly desires, receive a promotion in an illegitimate way, to become popular in an ungodly manner, or compromise the truth of scripture,  etc.

Esau made the foolish decision to take the immediate “payoff” of what he could see, touch, taste, and smell over much greater blessings in the future. Many people still do that today. Their whole lives are focused on what they can get now, and they end up missing the blessings of tomorrow.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11

God does indeed have wonderful plans for His children, but be careful about parking in a place because it feels good right now.  How will it feel at the end of the journey?  I don’t want to look back in regret of what could have been, should have been or would have been, if only I had made decisions based on the will of God, instead of a bowl of stew or an easy parking place.

Spiritual blessings can be lost by living for the moment.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  Matthew 6:33