I lost a child.  Now what?

When our son Bryan died, I thought I’d never feel joy again. At times, I thought I’d never sleep again, or get beyond the intense darkness and pain. We are about to come up on seven years, and there is never a day that I don’t think about him. We still miss Bryan so much.

Just last night, Gaylon caught a glimpse of a picture of Bryan and began to weep. There are moments like that. Notice I said moments, and sometimes there are days like that. But I can testify that God has given us the strength to walk through this, and we are continuing to walk through this.

Two things have helped us to have many days and moments of joy.

First, we never stopped walking with God, and God never stopped walking with us. There were many days when I could not even pray.  All I could do was weep.  There were days that my prayer was nothing more than, “God, please help me.”  God understood that.   God wasn’t up on His throne mad at me because I wasn’t dancing in praise.  I understood the God that I served, the God who wrote, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).

Second, my husband and I made a pact that we would not let this drive a wedge between us.  We could feel the pain and weep any time we had a “Bryan” moment or a “Bryan” day.  Seven years later, we still allow that.   Perhaps you don’t have a spouse or someone with whom you can share those moments.  If needed, seek a friend and ask if you can share those moments when they come.

If you know someone who has lost a child, can you volunteer to be that person that shares their grief?  Grief is a heavy thing, especially the first months and years.   Just check on the person occasionally and ask, “How are you?”  Pray for them regularly and let them know from time-to-time that you are praying for them.

Don’t be afraid to mention the child’s name.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself and many with whom I have spoken.  I am not afraid for someone to mention Bryan.  I’m afraid that he will never be mentioned.  His name is Daniel Bryan Benton, our second born son, who was full of laughter and charm.

Something very important I learned was not to get hung up on, “Why?”   It’s normal to ask, “Why?”  God can handle you asking Him “why”, so ask Him.  But, at some point, one will realize that “why” might not get answered.  Even if it was answered, it wouldn’t lessen the grief.

I lost a child, now what?  Now, I will trust the God I serve.  Now, I will love that which remains for me to love while on earth.  Now, I will still grieve the loss of my child.  Now, I will wait with anticipation until the day I see Mr. Daniel Bryan Benton again.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 2:14

There was a time when I would go around and around the parking lot of a grocery store, just so I could park as close to the door as possible.  What good charismatic hasn’t claimed the best parking space “in the Name of Jesus!” Then, I would get a cart full of groceries, unload them into my car, and leave the cart wherever I could squeeze it.

Over time, stores installed cart return areas.  I am one of the rare people who pushes my cart to the return stall. By doing that, it doesn’t hit someone’s vehicle, doesn’t block a parking spot and makes it much easier for employees to gather the carts.  As a result, I rarely park close to the store.  Why?  The cart returns are never close to the store. I want to be in the best place to return the cart.  I am more concerned about the end of my journey than the beginning of the journey.

There is a man in scripture by the name of Esau.  His story is found in Genesis 25.  Esau is a man who shows us that spiritual blessings can be lost by living for the moment, and he did it all for bowl of stew!

Life is full of choices.  Every one of us will be offered the opportunity to live for the moment or to live for eternity.  It may be an occasion to cheat on your spouse, make a lot of money in a wicked way, indulge fleshly desires, receive a promotion in an illegitimate way, to become popular in an ungodly manner, or compromise the truth of scripture,  etc.

Esau made the foolish decision to take the immediate “payoff” of what he could see, touch, taste, and smell over much greater blessings in the future. Many people still do that today. Their whole lives are focused on what they can get now, and they end up missing the blessings of tomorrow.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11

God does indeed have wonderful plans for His children, but be careful about parking in a place because it feels good right now.  How will it feel at the end of the journey?  I don’t want to look back in regret of what could have been, should have been or would have been, if only I had made decisions based on the will of God, instead of a bowl of stew or an easy parking place.

Spiritual blessings can be lost by living for the moment.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  Matthew 6:33

Can faith and fear live together in the Christian?  Yes, yes and yes.  Faith and fear are not mutually exclusive.  Fear is one of the enemy’s most popular weapons that he uses against us. Worry, anxiety, fear can overwhelm us with a thick shadow of darkness, controlling our every move and decision.

I often hear Christians rebuked when they struggle with fear and faith.  Perhaps a challenging circumstance has entered life, a circumstance that could be long-term or with an unclear ending.  Since the person is a believer, they pray and ask God’s intervention, and have faith that He will do just that.  Yet, all through the day, those circumstances scream, “You will not come out of this!  It’s over! This is going to end badly for you! There is no hope it will turn around.”  Fear has raised its head.

That believer has both faith and fear operational.

My  home is designed with a split bedroom plan.  The master bedroom is on one end of the house, and the two guest rooms are on the other end.   Between those two guest rooms is a hallway, so one can walk to either room, and one can easily walk back and forth between the two rooms.

Faith and fear are like those two bedrooms, with a hallway in between.   Let’s name one of the rooms fear and one of the rooms faith.   There are times I find myself in the fear room, and there are times I find myself in the faith room.  The question is, “Where will I abide?”

Many years ago, the doctor informed me that it was more likely than not that I had ovarian cancer, and it had spread to nearby lymph nodes.  To say we were shocked would be an understatement.   Surgery would be done two weeks later, and an oncologist would be present to see how many organs were affected.  That was a loooooong two weeks!

Many times during that two weeks, my emotions would draw me into the fear room.  It was a dark room.   As a believer, I had to make a choice to walk the hallway to the room of faith.  Where would my residency be?  Could I trust God that He had my life in His hands?

It became an epic battle to take my mind and body out of the room of fear, enter the hallway and walk over to faith.  I did that more times than I can count.  It was a constant battle of the mind.  It was not until the morning of the surgery that I felt a perfect faith that God was in control of the situation.  Notice I did not say that God told me how it would turn out, but that God reassured me that I was in His hands.

Every believer must exercise hallway faith.  All of us will have situations where the ending is uncertain.  Fear will invite you to take up residence in its room.  Over and over, you will be faced with the choice of entering the hallway to walk in faith.   Do it!  No matter how many times fear beckons you to come and dwell in its room, enter the hallway!  There is peace in the hallway!  There is faith in the hallway!  There is God’s will in the situation once we choose to enter the hallway and trust God!

God does not lose faith in you even when you are fearful.  Peter left his fishing boat to follow Jesus.  Things got tough as the crucifixion neared.   Peter had enough faith to leave his boat to follow Jesus,  but operated in total fear when confronted about being a disciple.  Because of fear, Peter denied our Lord.  God did not give up on Peter.  Later in the book of Acts, that same man who had been fearful, stood and preached a powerful message, resulting in 3000 salvations.   Transformation happens when we enter the hallway of faith.  We conquer fear!

What are you facing today that seems overwhelming?  Fight for faith.   Choosing not to allow fear and anxiety control us is not always easy, and it often comes down to a choice.  Enter the hallway today!  God will meet you in the hallway, and give you the strength to walk into the room of faith.   You are more than a conqueror!

“What time I am afraid, I will trust in You. “  Psalm 56:3

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. At least that is what the song says! Is it? Yes, it is in many ways. All the laughter, the food, the candlelight, the carols!  Decorating the tree, or these days – trees!  Wrapping the gifts and listening to the giggles and excitement as children open them.

For many, this year is difficult. I am praying with and for several people who have lost significant loved ones this year. My heart aches for them, and my tears stream for them. Grieving can be the most difficult time for people who are trying to balance the feelings of pain and loss, while going forward with everyday life.  I found this to be true when we lost our son Bryan.

Sometimes we find ourselves mourning on Christmas morning. If you are in grief, especially fresh grief, it’s okay not to feel that it is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s doesn’t make you a grinch, it makes you a person in pain.

God is hugging you today. He understands where you are, and He cares about every tear. Jesus Christ left the splendor of heaven, and was born as a babe into a world that was dark and broken. He became Immanuel – God with us. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER WILL JESUS LEAVE US! He will be with us in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health, in success and failure, in poverty and prosperity, in joy and sorrow.

He will be with you in Christmas mourning  and on Christmas morning.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” –  Psalms 34:18

He was so tired, but did not want to stop to rest. I am talking about Andrew, our fourteen-month-old grandson. He recently spent a few hours at our home. Andrew gets up really early, so by mid morning, he definitely needs a nap.

As the clock approached eleven, we had tried rocking him, playing lullaby music and putting his head on a shoulder. All those were unsuccessful. Finally, the decision was made to put him in the crib, and let him go to sleep on his own. While I continued to rock Andrew, Gaylon went to the room to remove all the toys from the crib, which doubles as a storage bin for a whole lot of toys! Our toys are different from their regular toys, and the boys play with them only when they are at our house. Gaylon spread all the toys across the bed in the room, and they totally covered the bed.

As I walked into the room to place Andrew in the crib, he saw a bed full of toys. He pointed. He smiled. He said, “Ball, ball!” I did not acknowledge his delight, but laid him in the crib, walked out of the room and closed the door. Andrew cried a little, but then stopped and I could hear him say, “Ball, ball.” Cry a little, “Ball, ball.”

How did I expect Andrew to give way to the rest needed with so many distractions?

So many of us are tired physically and spiritually, yet, we can’t get our gaze off the distractions. I found myself there recently. With several weekends of ministry ahead, I have much preparation. I found myself distracted by so many things, and realized the “Martha” syndrome was alive and at work!

I am a doer and rescuer by nature. That’s not all bad. There has to be some “Martha” going on, or we’d never get anything accomplished. Faith without works is dead. Jesus did not tell “Martha” to never cook again, never be hospitable again. The problem was Martha had become tense, irritable and mad. Jesus said, “You are distracted by too many things. You are totally missing my presence, because you are too distracted.”

I found myself in the midst of my preparation tense, irritable, tired and worried. God whispered to me, “Barbara, Barbara, you are distracted by so many things. Don’t miss my presence in this.” I closed everything down. No one was in the house but me. I settled myself before the Lord, and sat at His feet. It was amazing how refreshed I was at the end of the day, and how much His Word came alive to me.

Are you weary? Turn off Facebook, Twitter, television and even your phone. You mean turn my phone completely off? How can I live without my phone? Quite nicely. Sometimes I long for the good old days when we did not always have a phone attached to our hip. Thirty minutes without the phone, spent in God’s presence will do amazing things. Get with God and let Him sweep over your weariness.

Weapons of mass distraction are one of the greatest weakeners of the Christian life today.  Distractions must be conquered or they will conquer us.

“The Lord answered, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things.’ – Luke 10:41

Recently Gaylon and I spent the day at Dauphin Island, Alabama, celebrating our granddaughter Alana’s birthday.  It was such fun!  The girls had no idea we were coming.  They heard a knock on their hotel door and opened to find Papa and Granny standing there!  The excitement and giggling made our day!

On Saturday morning we went down to the beach for the day.  Alana loves the beach, so her parents granted her wish for a beach day.   From the car to the beach was quite a hike, as we walked to the end of the pier, and then down a flight of stairs, and across the white sand. 

After bathing in sunscreen, and getting things set up, we settled in for a fun day.

Did you know there is very hot sun at the beach?  It’s true!  Very hot sun!  I didn’t plan very well, because I rarely get in the sun anymore.  I definitely should have brought a beach umbrella. 

As time passed, I got hotter and hotter.  The girls were having a blast, and I enjoyed watching them and helping them look for shells.  I watched as their mom helped to build a drip sand castle.   These girls were so happy.

Did I mention that the sun gets very hot?

Time seemed to go in slow motion after the first couple of hours. The sun was beating down on me, and I wanted relief.  Finally, clouds came into the area, covering the sun’s hot rays.  There was no rain, just a cloud cover, and it stayed for quite a while.

That cloud cover was my best friend that afternoon. 

Yet, there were others who wanted the clouds to go away. They wanted the hot rays beaming down. To them it was a part of the enjoyable day at the beach.  Those seeking tans wanted the rays to come back.  They were praying for clouds to go away, and I was praying for clouds to stay.

To one the cloud was a blessing, and to another the cloud was a nuisance.

Sometimes when we pray about situations, it’s easy to pray for an answer that would be a blessing for me.  Yet, we forget that God is listening to millions of prayers, and is orchestrating how they will be answered, and the timing of those answers.  I’m praying for clouds to bring relief, and someone else is praying for clouds to go away. 

Praying takes more than faith; praying also takes trust – trust in a God who is working all things together for my good, but also for the good of others who are praying.    It takes trust to believe God knows when the clouds are a blessing, and when they need to be gone.  

In life there are clouds of disrupted schedules, unresolved issues, family issues, health crises, daily stress, unsettling moments, problematic people and just plain old aggravation.  My prayer is:  God, take this away!  Is He listening?  Absolutely!  He is also orchestrating the greatest use of the clouds of life.  My cloud that is a curse might be the very cloud that blesses another to see this great God that we serve. 

Are the clouds rolling in on you?  Trust God to use them and remove them as He determines.  “Yes, clouds will come. They are part of the fabric of life. But by God’s grace we need not be depressed by their presence. Like the misty billows that float above us, they protect us from the brightness of the sun; they reveal the glory of God, and from their lofty height God speaks to us. Like the children of Israel, we are travelers to the Promised Land. As the Israelites traveled through the wilderness, the Bible says, “The Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way” (Exodus 13:21).” – Billy Graham

Have I ever mentioned that I have a granddaughter named Madison Benton?  I know, I know – only ten thousand times!  Madison has brought me so much joy and has taught me a lot.  Out of the mouths of babes!  We love our grandchildren.

For a while, Gaylon’s mother lived with his sister Sheila.  One Sunday the whole family was able to be together.  All my sons and their families were even able to be there.  Madison loved Grandma Benton (Gaylon’s mother)!    When Madison walked into the room and saw Grandma Benton, she went over to the chair where Grandma was sitting to give her a hug, and then sat with her for a while.

Grandma Benton, at that time, wore a necklace that was connected to the alarm system of the house.  Should Grandma have difficulty and need help, she could press the button on the necklace which would notify the alarm company; however, the alarm company was the only one who could hear it.  Madison was admiring the necklace and none of us realized she was pressing the button over and over, sending out an alarm.   The company called to ask if Mrs. Benton was okay. Indeed she was okay, it was just that someone was pushing her button.

Who is your button pusher?  We all have people who push our buttons.   It can be the controlling boss, the distant husband, the adult child, the difficult co-worker, the parent who can’t let go, the gossip at church that causes division, and on and on.     I hate to say this, but there are even times we are “stuck” with button-pushers who will be a part of our lives for a looooong time.  We don’t have to allow them to ruin our lives.

Grandma did not stop enjoying her day or her family because someone pushed her button, and the reason was:   the secure connection she had.

Jesus had button-pushers waiting in line for a turn to push His buttons, but He always spoke and reacted based on who He was and to Whom He was connected.

I have watched so many people rant and rave in real life, in church and on Facebook about their “button-pusher.”   I am still shocked to see on a social medium, like Facebook, that many identify the button-pusher for all to see.   Yet, this does not bring peace.

I used to scream at or plot against my button-pushers causing my emotions to get out of hand, ruining my day and the day of others.   In some cases that is exactly what the button-pusher wanted.  In other cases, it just made me seethe longer and dislike myself.  One of the lessons button-pushers taught me was that I don’t have to attend every argument to which I am invited. My peace means more than that.

My name is Barbara Benton and I am child of the Most High God!  I have a direct connection with Him. I’ve now learned to allow God to speak peace to my heart, to calm me down.  Like the company that monitored Grandma Benton, God is out for good and He will keep me secure.  He can calm my spirit when I am agitated.  He can touch me where I hurt so deeply.  He can help me love myself.  He can lead me to relationships that help me grow and enjoy the journey.  He can tell me when it’s time to walk away from some people.

So, the next time your button-pusher starts pushing, push your own button.  Call out to God who is a very present help in the time of trouble.  He is a faithful and trusted security company.

Count it as pure joy to know that no matter what comes your way today, your security is in the Lord. Security in the Lord is knowing that you completely trust in the Lord and that He will work all things out according to His will for your life

Hebrews 13:6 – So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

“No one is likely to experience real church life without times of hurt, disappointment, or rejection. Those who overcome these by growing in love, patience, forgiveness, etc., can make huge strides forward in their spiritual lives. Those who allow hurt, frustrations, or disappointments to dictate their courses will likely go from defeat to defeat, shipwreck to shipwreck, until they resolve to be over-comers instead of being overcome by these things.”  – Rick Joyner

If you are in a local church, and I hope you are, you will experience both joy and pain at the hands of other believers.  Raise your hand if you have been blessed by others in your church.  Now, raise your hand if you have been hurt by or disillusioned with others in your church.   When we experience the hurt part, there is a tendency to run and never darken the door again!

I know many people who have turned away from the Church after painful experiences.  I understand, more than I wish I did!   Yes the church is filled with brokenness and imperfection, but I  am still  convinced that the local  church is the primary means of forming believers and setting them on a pathway to spiritual maturity.

I must admit that I have been hurt by the Church, and I have hurt people in the church.  I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes and be a healer and not a “hurter”.

Be careful about assigning to God the “mess-ups” of His children.  God did nothing to you; people did!  Don’t give up on the church!  Please don’t.  I think there are many grace-filled, caring, loving and forgiving people in most churches. Seek them out. Spend time with them. If you have really made an effort, and cannot find them, then find another church.

God thought the Church was a good idea.  I want to be a part of anything that has been blessed and created by Him.  Don’t give up on the Church!  Even God is often pained by its behavior yet He doesn’t give up on His  Church and for that I am grateful!

“Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.” – Jeremiah 17:14

I love dividing words to really grasp their meaning.  Words like nothing, NO THING.  Nothing is impossible with God – and NO THING is impossible with God.  Today I am focused on remind, RE-MIND.  Our thoughts lives can wreak havoc on so many levels.   As a child of God, when our minds are bombarded by thoughts that do not line up with the Word of God, we must RE-MIND.

When someone or the devil puts the thought in your mind that, you are nobody, it’s time to RE-MIND with what God says. God says you are His child and none of His children are nobodies.   1 John 3:1 (NIV) “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 

When you are tormented with the thought that you are not going to make it, it’s time to RE-MIND:   Philippians 1:6 “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

When your head is saying you have sinned so badly, God is finished with you, it’s time for a RE-MINDER:  Psalm 103:  “Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits; Who pardons ALL your iniquities…”

When your mind is saying, the doctor can’t do anything else, RE-MIND with Psalm 103:”Bless the LORD, O my soul,  And forget none of His benefits; Who heals all your diseases.”

When your thoughts are filled with, “God does not hear my prayers.”  Let’s do a RE-MIND:  Jeremiah 29:12: (NIV) “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”

What is your mind saying to you today?  The Word is filled with RE-MIND-ers.  It might be time to get the Word of God out and RE-MIND yourself who God is and who you are!

“Look at what is obvious. If anyone is confident that he belongs to Christ, he should RE-MIND himself of this: just as he belongs to Christ, so do we.” 2 Corinthians 10:7

A young man stepped to the podium to sing a solo in the morning service.   I sat there on the front row, and along with the congregation, awaited a song that would cause us to look heavenward.  Oh boy!  The music was in one key and he was in another.  He left the music way behind and nothing fit together. Instead of causing us to be lifted heavenward, we all wished he would hurry and finish, which he did, way before the background music!

In a conversation I learned that the man loved to sing but was tone death.  He wanted us to be receptive but the wrong tone killed the whole thing.    The problem was not the message but the tone.  Tone has to do with using different elements: volume, speed, pitch of voice, body language and gestures, etc., to name a few.

We are in a time when we have to boldly stand for truth.  BOLDLY!   I refuse to accept what the Bible does not accept.  I understand everyone is not going to like my stand or agree with me. What I don’t want to do is add fuel to the fire by my tone.    We live in a time of too much anger and hostility.  Couples scream and yell at each other.  Politicians berate one another.   Christians “tell each other off”.   Facebook posts are often rudely stated.  People are quick to give the middle finger of fellowship.  Parents declare that the only way their children will listen is if they yell.   (By the way, that is only true if you conditioned them that way.)   God is saying to sing in one key, yet we often we sing in whatever key we want.  We have a tone problem.

I don’t want to be an angry, ugly, red-faced, condescending, name-calling, arrogant child of God.  I want to stand boldly for God.  I want to have the best relationships I can.  I want to be a good communicator of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I might be rejected but I don’t want it to be because of my tone.    I want to set the right tone.  How about you?